just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
