mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
