you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize