so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
