I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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