I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
