then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
