Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
