So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
