i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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