Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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