Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
