i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
