Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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