I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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