Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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