One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
