I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
