He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
