He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
