I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
