when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
