Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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