My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
