I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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