i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
