she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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