Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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