If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
