so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I will be naked everywhere
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
