how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
