oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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