my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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