watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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