I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
