I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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