I'm jealous of your bromance
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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