So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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