Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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