I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
