Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
