It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You pole danced in your parka.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
