tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
