The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
there is puke in my bra ... again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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