i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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