i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
