Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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