i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Randomize