I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
