and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
