I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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