Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
