I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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