We're facebook friends in real life
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
