he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
last night I used snow as a chaser
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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