If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
